


Your Shadow

by SpacedOut



Category: Phan, Phandom
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Fluff, M/M, Making Up, True Love, break-up, getting caught, im a cheese ball what can i say, radio show, this is cheesy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:44:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpacedOut/pseuds/SpacedOut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil are caught on webcam kissing during the radio show one night. Based on the song Shadow but Sam Tsui (I recommend that you listen first!). </p><p>Warning: language, mentions of child abuse, and homophobic triggers</p><p>P.S. The words in bold are actual lyrics from the song!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> PROMPT: A post break-up angsty songfic based on the song Shadow by Sam Tsui [ youtube*com / watch?v=CEQvj0qszlw ]. Preferably from Phil's POV. Just look at the lyrics and trust me, there's so much feels in there. Author can just leave it be or if possible, make a second part to the fic where stuffs happen and they reconcile. Please please please I'm really dying to have this fic for months and I will love you forever.
> 
> Author's Note: Well, I answered the prompt kinda sorta. I did it in both Dan and Phil's POV and the fic is based off of the song, Shadow. I did the full break up (before, during, after, and reconcile). I hope you don't mind the changes I made to it! This fic got a lot darker then I had intended it to be lol oopsy. Sometimes my imagination gets the best of me...

****

Phil sat on the couch and stared blankly at the white wall in front of him. 

He heard Dan in his bedroom tossing his belongings in a suitcase. He could hear empty drawers slamming and zippers being pulled roughly.

_“You promise that we’ll be together forever?”_

Phil’s heart nearly fell out of his chest and onto the wood floor beneath his bare feet when he saw Dan walk into the living room leading a small black suitcase behind him.

_“I’ll love you until I’m finished counting every single star in the sky... twice.”_  
_"You're so cheesy, Dan!"_

Phil noticed that there was just enough space for Dan to cram all of his immediate belongings into the suitcase without causing the zipper too much strain. Dan watched Phil’s eyes studying the luggage.

“It obviously doesn’t have all of my stuff. I’ll be back in a few days to get the rest of it.”

Phil could feel his voice trembling before he even spoke, “Where, uh... where will you be staying?”

_“Welcome to your new home, Dan... with me.”_

Dan let out a shaky breath, “I’m sleeping at Pj’s until I have a more permanent place to stay.”

Phil nodded, finally making eye contact with the boy he had fallen in love with over three years ago.

_I don’t wanna let you go._

Dan looked surprised at the sudden eye contact. He didn’t expect the sincerity and pain coming from the pair of blue eyes watching him, pleading for him not to go.

But he has to go. It was for the best. A tear slid down his cheek.

Phil immediately stood up and grabbed Dan’s shoulders, fingers trembling as he pulled the younger boy closer to him, hugging him as if letting go would be a crime against all of humanity. Phil rested his head into Dan’s neck, pretending that it wasn’t the last time he would hold him like that.

Dan let the older boy hold him, trying to reciprocate the tight embrace. Before he could lose himself in Phil’s arms, he quickly straightened up and remembered why he was leaving Phil in the first place. He sighed heavily before pushing Phil away and walking out of the flat’s front door.

Phil stared at the door, already feeling the emptiness of the flat overwhelm him. The choking, inescapable loneliness that he felt knowing that Dan would never be able to be by his side for the rest of his life made his knees give out.

He let painful sobs escape his lips as he crumbled to the floor, clutching his broken heart.

**What’s a goodbye good for, anyway?**

****

-The Previous Day-

Phil woke up to the sound of Dan’s breath in his ear. He slowly opened his eyes to see that the younger of the two had totally commandeered his side of the bed, leaving Dan’s side empty with the exception of rumpled sheets and a firm pillow. 

Phil turned his head to kiss his partner awake. 

They used the word “partner” because the term “boyfriend” sounded too cheap and the word “lover” made Dan sound like Phil’s mistress. Ugh. They both decided that the word “partner” sounded too businessy... but really, there was no other word to call what they had.

What had innocently started out as friendship 4 years ago had now turned into something completely different.

Phil loved Dan more than anything else in the entire universe. The whole “soul mate” thing had never really interested Phil until the day that he realized that he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life without Dan by his side.

Now, with a successful radio show and youtube channel with his best friend and soul mate, he felt truly happy for the first time in his life. 

Dan’s eyes flew open as Phil continued to press his soft lips to Dan’s mouth. 

Dan immediately smiled and pushed the raven haired boy away, “You realize I have the world’s worst morning breath, right?” 

Phil rested his hand on Dan’s side and teased, “You realize that you smell all the time anyway so it doesnt really matter, right?”

Dan threw himself over Phil and straddled his hips, pushing Phil into the mattress with his hands pressed into his shoulders.

“Take that back!”

Phil looked up at Dan and grinned, “Never!”

Dan pretended to sigh, “Alright, then I guess I wont let you leave this bed until you apologize...”

“How is that a punishment? I get to lay in bed with you all day,” Phil replied honestly.

Dan ruffled Phil’s black hair with his hand before leaning down and kissing his forehead.

Dan rested his head against Phil’s, “You never fail to make me love you more and more every single day, Phillip Lester.”

“If I had known that the key to your heart was to tell you that you smell then I would have definitely said that a long time ago,” Phil replied, lifting his head to reach for Dan’s lips for another soft kiss.

Dan opened his mouth and let him invade him with tongue and teeth as Phil bit down softly on his bottom lip and sucked on it gently. Dan felt a moan escape his lips before he pushed Phil back down and lifted himself off of the older boy. He picked up a pair of boxers that had been thrown on the floor the previous night.

“I can’t let you get me all hot and bothered when we have to leave to do the radio show in an hour,” Dan replied to a whimpering Phil. 

Phil threw the covers off and stretched his naked self before climbing out of bed. Dan watched as Phil arched his back above the mattress and grinned.

“You're such a showoff!” Dan laughed. He picked up Phil’s boxers and chucked them at his head. 

Phil laughed and pulled them on seductively. Dan rolled his eyes, “Someone’s acting extra cheeky this morning!”

“Nah, I just love to watch you blush.... and I love you.” 

Dan pulled his outer space sweatshirt over his head before pulling Phil into a hug, “And I love you too.”

Phil leaned his head on Dan’s shoulder and looked over at the clock, “And we have less than an hour to get to BBC.”  
Dan jumped backwards and frantically looked for a pair of black jeans, “JESUS ON A BOAT! Dammit we're going to make us late!”

Phil laughed and quickly pulled on his clothes. After changing, they hurried and grabbed breakfast before heading out the door.

****

The red light above Dan and Phil’s head flashed three times signaling that they were officially on air. Not only would the world now be able to hear every word they said, but thanks to the BBC Radio One website, their fans could watch them on live webcam as well as listen to them.

Phil pulled his large, bulgy headphones over his ears and started talking.

Luckily they had everything prepared for that night. The words flowed naturally between them.

“This is BBC Radio One and you are now listening to Dan and Phil! Hello world, how was everyone’s weekend?”

“Phil, you know they can’t reply to us. They’re on the other side of the radio!”

“Sure they can! All they have to do is hashtag #DanandPhil and let us know how their weekend is going do far. After the next song, we’ll read some of your answers out loud!”

“Alright, sounds good! Everyone reply with that hashtag on twitter while we play the song Shadow by Sam Tsui.”

Phil pushed a few buttons that both turned on the song and took them off air.

Dan looked over at Phil and smiled.

_We’re getting better at this._

Phil smiled back and nodded, knowing exactly what Dan was thinking. 

Dan almost forgot that they were being filmed. He quickly picked up a white board and started drawing random animals on it before waving it in front of a camera. 

Phil moved around some CDs to prepare for the next song and music video. 

The two boys were perfectly in synch.

An hour into the show, the two juggled large water balloons during the Dan Vs Phil segment. Surprisingly, Phil had won the Dan Vs Phil for the fourth time in a row.

Everything was going great up until the last song of the evening.

“Alright guys, to end our show we’re going to play one last music video made by you fans!”

Phil turned on both the music video and song before finally taking off his headphones. Dan did the same. 

Usually, after every show, Dan and Phil would exchange a quick, chaste kiss before cleaning up the broadcasting room.

Phil leaned over and kissed Dan before setting his headphones on the table. After doing their usual clean up routine, they went to meet with the producers one last time before leaving the studio for the evening.

When both of them walked into the office, they noticed that the producer’s face was completely pale. 

Phil was the first to speak.

“Hey, we just came in to drop off the paperwork before leaving... is uh, everything okay? Did we do something wrong?”

“Other then exploding the internet, not at all,” the man said sarcastically. Phil and Dan exchanged confused glances.

The producer laughed nervously, “Yeah, uh, I don’t know if this stunt was on purpose or not, but you guys just kissed on international radio and webcam. Now our website is jammed with all of your fans freaking out.”

Phil heard Dan make a noise that sounded somewhere between shock and panic. He felt his own stomach twist into a pretzel shape, leaving him feeling nothing but the urge puke.

_Oh shit._

“That’s uh.... that’s impossible. There was a music video playing during the last few minutes of the show. There’s no way that they could have seen us,” Phil replied, trying to reason with the producer and himself at the same time.

The man shook his head, “I guess the button must have malfunctioned or something because the last three minutes of the show was you two kissing and cleaning up the water balloons while Katy Perry played on the radio.”

Dan remained speechless and Phil shook his head.

The man continued, “Look, you guys aren’t in trouble with BBC or anything. Everyone kinda figured you guys were together... I think it’s your fans and our conservative viewers that you have to worry about.”

Phil nodded and handed him their weekly paperwork. Dan walked out of the room without saying a word. Phil turned and ran after him. 

Phil followed him into the men’s room where Dan shoved open a stall door and fell to his knees so that he could vomit into the toilet bowl. 

Phil quickly knelt down behind him and held his torso. He had no idea that Dan would react so badly to this.

He knew that Dan had not wanted anyone besides close friends and coworkers to know about him and Phil’s relationship. He knew how worried he was about his career and the reactions from his family members... he just didn’t know it bothered him this bad...

Phil picked Dan up after he was finished retching into the bowl and helped him over to the sink to help clean him up. 

At that point Dan was hyperventilating and tears stained his red cheeks. Almost every blood vessel in the poor man’s face looked like it was about to burst. 

“Dan, it’s going to be okay! Look at me! It’s going to be okay. Just...”

“NO, IT’S NOT OKAY! Phil, do you have any idea what this means?! We’re done. Our youtube careers are over, pretty soon the BBC is going to fire us. It’s over.”

Phil tried to calm him down, “Nothing is over yet. Did you hear the producer? They’re not going to fire us! As for everyone else? Fuck them. They can either accept us or deny us, right? Dan, you just need to calm down. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks, we can get through this...”

Dan scoffed viciously, “Yeah, and what about my family? What about my father? I’m sure I’m going to be getting a call from him any minute now. My parents watch the show, Phil. They saw us kiss. My dad is the most homophobic man on this fucking planet.”

Phil looked at Dan, tears starting to well up in his eyes. He knew that Dan’s family hadn’t known about their relationship. Phil was totally okay with it. He figured that when Dan was ready to tell them he would, he didn’t realize that he was afraid to tell his parents because they didn’t know he was gay.

Phil looked around and remembered that they were in a public bathroom in the BBC. He decided that they needed to finish this talk at home before anyone walks into the bathroom and sees them.

“We need to get home,” Phil said.

Dan shook his head, “I can’t go out there... what if my dad’s out there... he’ll hurt me..”

Phil shook his head, “Dan, your family lives hours away. That’s impossible. I promise I wont let anyone hurt you. Just please, we need to go home.”

After a few minutes of coaxing, Phil nearly carried Dan to a cab and they rode home in silence.

Phil couldn’t help but repeat in his head what Dan had said to him minutes earlier that evening.

_What if my dad’s out there? He’ll hurt me._

Phil’s throat tightened with anger at the thought of anyone hurting Dan, especially someone as important to him as his father. Phil remembered hearing Dan talk highly of his parents all the time. It was nearly impossible to think that perhaps Dan was hiding something about his past when both of them had shared all of their deepest secrets over the years. 

Phil wanted to call the police... or maybe even an assassin. No, no. He needed to hear what was going on from Dan himself before he could do anything drastic.

*****

The taxi ride home was dead silent. The driver asked if Dan had the flu. 

“Hey man, you don't look too good. Are you sure you don’t want me to drop you guys off at the hospital?”

Dan shook his head, “No, I’m fine.” Phil looked at the man sitting next to him, his head resting against the taxi’s window. His brown fringe covered his face, masking the expression that Phil was trying to read.

He reached for Dan’s hand resting on the seat between them. As soon at Phil’s fingers made contact with his hand, Dan yanked his it away. 

Confused, Phil reached for Dan’s shoulder. This time, Dan writhed his body away and turned his head to glare at Phil in warning.

Phil lifted his hands up in defeat, terrified. He hated to see Dan react so harshly to his touch.

He didn’t like the idea of them fighting. He and Dan would argue about things here and there, but nothing so bad that they would avoid each other’s touch because of it.

Phil mirrored Dan’s body and turned his head toward his own window, growing more anxious by the second.

Thankfully the taxi driver sensed the tension in the air and kept his mouth shut until they pulled up to Dan and Phil’s flat.

Once they got inside, Dan went straight to his bedroom without saying a word.

Phil followed.

“What the hell was that about?” Phil asked, trying to sound calm. No matter how hard he tried, it still came out aggressive.

He immediately regretted asking as soon as he made it into the room.

Dan was visibly shaking as he plugged his IPhone into it’s charger. He whipped his fringe out his eyes, exposing tear filled brown eyes.

Phil’s heart dropped. He had totally forgot about checking his phone. His entire family knew about his relationship with Dan so he knew there would be no surprise texts. Social media, however, was another story. Twitter, Tumblr, and Youtube were sure to be blowing up with fans freaking out; their radio producer even said so. He didn’t blame their subscribers. Of course it was going to be a bit of a shock for them to hear that he and Dan were hiding their relationship from the general public. It was Dan’s reaction to everything that Phil was worried about.

Phil sat down next to him on the bed and tried to calm him down. The bed was shaking due to Dan’s nerves.

It was then that he realized that Dan was most likely suffering from an anxiety attack. 

He remembered Dan saying when they first met that he tended to get worked up over the littlest things... then again the particular situation they were in wasn’t exactly that little.

Phil gently picked the phone up and out of Dan’s hands.

Dan’s head shot up, panicked, “What are you doing?”

“Shhhh calm down. It’s okay. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go on the internet. I think the best thing to do right now is stay away from all social media until we talk about this.”

“We really got ourselves into a mess, didn’t we?” Dan asked. He sounded so much younger, so vulnerable. It hurt Phil to see him like this.

Phil had prepared a giant speech in his head on the silent taxi ride home about how they were going to get through this, how it didn’t matter what their fans thought about them, how he could help Dan talk to his family about it and try to ease them into the idea of Dan being in love with his supposed heterosexual best friend.

He also considered the idea of trying to convince everyone that it was a joke. The same thing happened a few years ago when Phil accidentally posted his Valentine’s Day present to Dan on Youtube for the public to see. Then again, that was back before he and Dan had many subscribers. Times have changed now. Convincing everyone, including Dan’s family, that it was fake was pretty much impossible.

Before Phil could open his mouth, Dan’s phone rang. 

Phil looked down at the IPhone. It was Dan’s house calling.

_Oh boy._

Phil heard Dan’s breath hitch as the phone continued to ring it’s taunting tune. Dan finally grabbed the phone from Phil and answered it. He quickly replaced Phil’s empty hand with his free hand.

Phil squeezed it tight.

“Hello?” Dan asked, voice barely audible.

Phil could hear Dan’s mother on the other line.

“Hi Dan. Your father and I was watching your radio show tonight. You guys did really good, as usual...”

Both Dan and Phil let out a sigh of relief.

“Thanks mom, we really-” Dan was cut off by a malicious voice in the background.

“Tell him that we saw them, right now. No, let me get on the phone!”

Both Dan and Phil heard Dan’s parents arguing in the background. Dan felt his throat start to constrict, fear and horror overwhelming him.

A gruff voice picked up the phone.

“I saw you kiss your homo flat mate. Don’t even bother coming home until you’re done being a fucking faggot... I did not raise my son up to be gay!”

Phil was in complete bewilderment at hearing Dan’s father’s harsh words. He studied Dan’s face, debating on whether or not to do something. Anything.

Dan’s face was emotionless as he nodded, “Yes sir.”

He then let go of Phil’s hand and walked into the bathroom with his phone still attached to his ear, shutting the door and locking it behind him.

Phil remained on the bed, still in shock. 

How could Dan just sit there and let his father say that to him? 

The night had taken an extremely unexpected turn. This is not what Phil had thought was going to happen.

Phil sat on Dan’s bed, helplessly waiting for the bathroom door to reopen. Twenty minutes later, Dan walked out of the bathroom.

It was obvious that he had just got done crying again, only this time he looked completely empty. Distant.

Phil could only imagine what else his father could have said to him. He should have just stopped Dan from leaving the room in the first place. Perhaps he could have just grabbed the phone and told the man to ‘fuck off.’

Phil quickly stood up and pulled the younger man into a tight embrace. Dan stood there motionless.

Phil let him go, “What did he say to you?”

“What did you hear?”

“That you can’t go home to your family until you stop seeing me.”

“Is that all?” 

“Yes, because then you went into the bathroom....Dan you have me really worried.” Dan studied Phil’s blue eyes, making sure that he was telling the truth.

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“Dan, don’t be ridiculous... we can figure something out. I’ll-”

“NO! Phil, no. I’m sorry. I just, I can’t be with you.”

Phil felt like he was going to pass out. The words coming out of Dan’s mouth felt foreign.

“What the fuck did he say to you?” Phil growled, voice deep and pained.

“Nothing. He just reminded me how much of a prick you are,” Dan answered coldy.

Phil looked behind Dan’s words and saw fear, pain, and regret on the younger man’s face. _What the hell was he doing? Why is he saying this?_

Phil felt tears begin to fall, “Why are you doing this? Whatever your dad said to you... it can’t change what we have together. I love you so much, Dan...”

Dan shook his head, face turning red, “It was all a lie. Everything. I never loved you.”

Phil was completely stunned. They were totally fine before the radio show today. There is no possible way that Dan would react this way just because of the accidental kiss on the live webcam. It had to have been something Dan’s father said... but what the hell could he have said to make Dan act like this to him? Phil was terrified and angry... so he just let loose.

He grabbed the office lamp on Dan’s desk and threw it as hard as he could at the wall behind the bed. The bulb shattered and the lamp broke in half. Dan’s eyes widened, tears filling the bottom of his eyelids. 

It missed the younger man by less than an inch. 

Phil snapped out of it immediately and tried to comfort Dan. He almost just threw a lamp at the most important person in his entire life. He felt like jumping off a cliff and killing himself. He took a few steps toward the disheveled brown haired boy.

Dan backed away, stopping Phil in his tracks.

_What if my dad’s out there? He’ll hurt me._

What have I just done? Phil thought. “Dan... I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Get out of my room. I’m moving out tomorrow,” Dan nearly whispered. Phil hesitated to leave, still shocked over what he had almost done to Dan.

“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM. Get away from me!” Dan shouted, this time more confident than he had been all night.

This time Phil immediately complied. As soon as he made it to the hallway, he heard Dan’s door slam behind him. 

What happened next made Phil crumple to the floor in tears.

He heard Dan lock his bedroom door, clearly afraid that Phil would come in there and try to hurt him again.

*****

So here they were. Well, not _they_ anymore.

Dan off to find a place to live permanently; and Phil lying on the floor in tears for the second time in 24 hours.

Dan waited outside of the flat for the cab, mentally and physically exhausted.

 **“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”** Dan mumbled to himself under his breath.

Then why does he want to march right back upstairs and jump into Phil’s arms?

He thought about what his dad had said to him on the phone last night. Not only did he want him banned from Phil... he also wanted him to stop being who he was.

Dan is 22 years old. He knows that he’s old enough to not have to follow hid father’s orders, but the words he spat through the cell phone hurt him in every way that it could.

Thankfully, Dan moved their conversation to the bathroom before Phil could hear what his dad said next.

_“Daniel, I want you moved out of that filth hole tomorrow. I don’t care where you go, but if I find out that you’re still with that fag then I’ll come over there and beat the gay out of both of you...”_

_“Please don’t bring Phil into this, this has nothing to do with him,” Dan nearly stuttered. He felt like his 10 year old scared self again._

_“It does! I knew something was wrong with him the first time you brought him to the house. He’s much older than you... that nasty fag took advantage of you, didn’t he? Didn’t he?!”_

_“No!” Dan nearly shouted, “He did not take advantage of me! I knew what I was getting myself into!” He didn’t know what else to say. Phil couldn’t even kill a spider, there is no way in hell that he’d ever take advantage of him._

_“I don’t believe you. Now like I said, you either break up with him and move out or I will take care of this situation myself.”_

_Dan heard the other line hang up._

He really had no other choice then to do what he did last night. Dan’s dad had a track record of keeping his promises when it came to punishments... Dan knows that all too well. He thought back to the days when he would get into trouble at home. His mom usually never really paid attention to what Dan’d father would do when he got into trouble. Sometimes he’d whip him with a belt, other times it was just his fist or the nearest hard object. He would get in trouble for petty things like forgetting to take out the trash or coming home a few minutes late. These “punishments” occurred all the way up until the year when he moved out of his house to attend college.

Dan recalled his early days with Phil back when they first met. The first time they had sex, he remembered seeing the concerned look on Phil’s face when he pulled Dan’s shirt off to see a large, dark bruise running up his back.

Dan laughed it off, “Oh, I fell down the stairs last week.” 

Phil seemed to have believed the small lie, mainly because he knew that coordination wasn’t Dan’s thing. Dan lied because he didn’t want Phil to get all worried about him or whatever...

Even now, 3 years later, Dan gets nightmares every now and then of the old, worn belt held in his father’s hand. Sometimes he would wake Phil up and Phil would hold him, not even knowing what plagued the younger man’s dreams.

The point is, Dan knows what his father is capable of. If something were to happen to Phil all because of Dan... he would never forgive himself.

Then came the question of how would his father know if he was still living with Phil or not. He could have at least stayed at the flat with Phil until he figured out what to do...

No. God forbid his dad find out that he didn’t obey his orders... not only that but if Dan were to stay he would have to tell Phil everything, including he and his father’s abusive relationship. He had to get out. He had to leave. 

In order to do that, he had to break up with Phil in the meanest way possible, otherwise Phil would try to come after him.

He was surprised to see the way Phil reacted with the lamp. He didn’t blame him, that was for sure. 

It hurt him so bad to see the look on Phil’s face when he told him that he never loved him.

_Why am I so fucking horrible? I don’t deserve him._

Again, the tears found Dan right before the taxi showed up.

Dan hopped in with his suitcase and pointed him in the direction of PJ’s house.

*****

_Did you make it to Pj’s house alright? -Phil_

_yeah. -Dan_

_How are you doing? -Phil_

_fine. -Dan_

_Don’t be like this. -Phil_

Phil hit the send button with a firm click. It was late in the evening. He had spent the majority of the day moping around the house and eating.

The internet was still off limits for the time being, mainly because most of their subscribers think that they are dating... which is ironic because now they are fighting.

He settled with watching Netflix and trying not to think.

Thinking made things worse.

PJ knew what had happened between them. He was the only youtuber that knew what happened. Their other friends and youtubers knew about their relationship, but not about the fight they just had.

Phil called it a fight because he refused to believe that they broke up. Something just didn’t feel right about it. Something just didn’t feel real.

That night when he went to bed, he pulled off his shirt and changed into pajama bottoms before climbing into his own bed. He was very tempted to sleep in Dan’s room but he just couldn’t. 

It felt like an invasion of privacy... which was weird because they had been sleeping in that bed together since they had moved in.

Phil held onto his pillow tighter and closed his eyes. 

He tried to pretend that he had never met Dan, that he was the same Phil that he was back in 2008 at university. He tried to erase Dan from all of his memories, like burning photographs... only more painful.

He tried to picture his life without him, just to see if he could live on without the brown eyed boy that made him whole.

It didn’t work.

**I’m trying hard to forget you, but my empty walls wont let me let you go.**

Phil’s eyes snapped open. Tears escaped from the sides of his eyelids, slowly, a reminder that his brain may try to forget Dan, but his heart sure as hell would not.

Even when he tried to burn the memories he had with Dan, there was always a shadow that lingered in the back of his mind. A presence that he knew was there.

It was as if Dan had left it there himself, a reminder that regardless of what happens between them, his shadow will still linger. He’ll always have a piece of him with Phil.

Or maybe Dan left it there on purpose knowing that it would eat Phil away inside. Maybe he intended to hurt him... no, he couldn’t believe that.

Phil reached his arms out to the spot where Dan would be sleeping if he was there. The cold sheets bit his hand, but he didn’t care. 

He shut his eyes again and prepared for a sleepless night.

**When you took it all you forgot your shadow.**

****

When Dan arrived at PJ’s, he did not expect the older boy to be so hospitable. 

PJ already had dinner and the guest room ready upon Dan’s arrival.

“Thanks for letting me sleep here on such short notice,” Dan said, surprisingly shy. He felt weird being at PJ’s without Phil by his side.

“It’s totally alright! What else are friends for? Speaking of friends... I told Phil this earlier... so I suppose I’ll tell you now. I don’t plan on taking sides or anythi-”

Dan cut him off, “No, no! You don’t have to take sides at all!”

“I figured you would be fine with that. I do want to hear what happened though, if you don’t mind. I hope you guys didn’t end too badly.”

Dan sighed and sat down on the nearest couch. PJ sat down next to him.

“It was me who broke it off.. for a really shitty reason too. I’m assuming you saw what happened on the radio show last night, right?”

“Yeah... I didn’t watch the show personally but my twitter timeline and dashboard on tumblr told me enough. There’s about 60 different versions of a gif of you two kissing floating around the internet already. That’s rough, mate. I know you guys wanted your relationship kept a secret too... damn. That’s not why you guys broke up though, is it?”

PJ studied Dan’s face. It took Dan all but two seconds to breakdown. There was no other way to explain everything without telling him the truth. The whole truth.

It took almost an hour to explain everything, from the night at the radio station all the way up to the moment he closed the door to the flat to leave. The only thing he left out what the relationship he had with him father... that was something he was not quite ready to talk about yet. PJ listened intently, nodding occasionally and scowling at the words his father had said. Dan was surprised that he could tell PJ all the things he couldn’t tell Phil. Perhaps an outsider to the situation was easier, perhaps safer as well.

After he had spilled everything out into the open between them, they sat in silence. Dan waited for PJ to register everything.

After a few minutes of silence, PJ finally broke it.

“You’re an idiot.”

Dan scowled at the older boy and considered leaving as soon as the word “idiot” escaped his mouth. Then he thought about it for a second. Is that not how he felt about himself?

“You broke up with your soulmate (not to mention you made him feel like complete shit in the process) just so you could run here, and what? What did you think you were going to accomplish by doing all of this? Go home and face your psychotic father? Stop being gay because you’re father says so?”

“Hey! I thought we weren’t taking sides here!”

“I’m not! There aren’t any sides to take! You love Phil. Phil loves you. I totally get that you were trying to keep Phil safe by staying away from him... what I don’t get is why you don’t just tell him the truth? You know what Phil would’ve done? Protected you. Talked to you. Held you. As for your father... I don’t know. If the situation gets worse and he tries to do what you said he was going to do, then it’s time to get the police involved.”

Dan nodded, but paled at the idea of the police getting called. 

PJ noticed, “and if you don’t feel comfortable with the police, know that your fellow youtube friends got your back. I’m sure Chris and Carrie could totally help kick ass if needed.”

Pj grinned and Dan laughed. PJ was right about everything. Now came the hard part... telling Phil everything and asking for the forgiveness that he knew he didn’t deserve.

“Thanks PJ, I think I’ll stay here for the night and go see him tomorrow,” Dan decided.

“You’re very welcome, and if things end up not working out tomorrow, feel free to come back here... but something tells me things are going to work out.”

“I hope you’re right.”

****

Phil woke up from what felt like absolutely no sleep. The arm that was outstretched toward Dan’s empty side of the bed was now completely numb from sleeping on it. 

Before he could think about what to do next, he heard a knock at the door. 

Phil rolled out of bed, pulled on a t-shirt, and shook his hair so that he could look descent enough to answer the door.

He looked into the peephole to find Dan with his suitcase. His heart dropped at the thought of him coming into their flat again. It would feel weird now that it wasn’t his. He figured Dan was just there to retrieve the rest of his belongings.

Phil slowly opened the door. 

Dan stood in the doorway like a kicked puppy that had finally come home after running away. Phil studied him, waiting for him to come in and ignore him while he packed up the rest of his stuff.

Instead, Dan looked Phil up and down before crashing through the doorway, pulling his arms around Phil in a tight embrace. 

Phil quickly wrapped his arms around the younger boy.

Dan whispered in his neck, tears staining Phil’s t-shirt, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m a fucking idiot.”

Phil held him tighter and held Dan’s face with both of his hands so they were properly looking at each other, “Don’t be sorry, just stay with me.”

Dan smiled and nodded, before pulling them both further into the flat and away from the door. They finally settled on the couch before letting go of each other.

“Why did you say those horrible things to me?” Phil had to ask.

“Because my dad told me that he would hurt you if I stayed with you.”

“You were trying to protect me?”

“Yes, and I ended up hurting you in the process...”

Phil shook his head, “What you said did hurt, but I was hoping that there was a reason behind why you almost left me... I’m glad I was right.”

“Yeah, well I haven’t really been that honest with you about everything. Remember how I said my father had a temper? Yeah, well he used to take it out on me. A lot. That was why I tried to save you from whatever was going to happen to me.”

Phil held Dan’s hands in his, squeezing them tight. He wanted to chase down Dan's father for all of the abuse Dan had to endure in his childhood. He decided against it. Phil knew that Dan hadn't shared everything with him, and that was okay. The time will come when he will be willing to open up about everything. Until then, Phil felt that the best thing to do was keep him safe with him and away from the abuse. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. You deserve so much more than... don’t worry. I promise that I’ll keep us safe.”

Dan looked up at the raven haired boy and wiped his eyes, “Typical Phil Lester, always apologizing when it’s not even his fault.”

Phil smiled and leaned into Dan’s lips, kissing him softly.

Phil let his forehead lean against Dan’s before pulling away, “Typical Dan Howell, always trying to solve his own problems.”

Dan laughed, “I’m glad you haven't lost your witty charm.”

“Well I’d hope not, we were only broken up for about a day,” Phil laughed, pulling himself up off the couch.

“We are pathetic, aren’t we?” Dan asked.

Phil offered his hand to help Dan up, “I’d rather be pathetic with you than nothing with you.”

“I love you, Phillip.”

“I love you too, Daniel.”

Phil grabbed Dan’s suitcase from the doorway, “Time to unpack?”

Dan grinned, “Time to unpack.”

******

“Hello World! You’re listening to Dan and Phil’s Radio Show! Let’s jump into some music videos to start off the show!” Phil said into the speaker.

“But before we do that, we’d like to announce something,” Dan added.

Phil looked over at Dan, curiously. 

“Most of you who watched the webcam last week saw that Phil and I kiss before ending the show and I know a lot of you guys are now wondering if we are in a relationship. We’ll, to clear the air and end all possible rumors... Yes. Yes we are partners. We hope that you guys love us regardless of who we love. You guys are the best fans in the world and thank you for all that support us! Alright, here’s come Fall Out Boy for you guys!”

Dan clicked the off air button and looked over at Phil. 

“I hope it was okay that I did that. Might as well say something, right?” Dan said shyly. 

Phil grinned at him, “That was amazing! I’m really proud of you for doing that. That took a lot courage.”

“Well, I am in love with AmazingPhil, after all!"

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/Kudos if you guys enjoyed!  
> Criticism helps me get better! (:
> 
> Hopefully I did okay... I took a break from writing for the phandom for awhile so that I could work on Star Trek and Sherlock stuff.


End file.
